Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Same post same
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.