me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
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Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*