launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
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I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
mom gave me mine for free
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars