The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
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I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb