ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
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Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Ha.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.