Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
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ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party