[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
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During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
two people or more is called a problem
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.