“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
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The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
twitter users today:
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.