*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
You Might Also Like
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”