If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
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me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance