Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.