TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
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Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
buys donuts instead
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.