To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
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Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Okay
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives