[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.