Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
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Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”