I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
a public service announcement
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”