Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
You Might Also Like
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
had to share :’)