Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.