A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Steam Forums
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Can’t. About to go please some beans
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of