This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
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Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
She was REALLY feeling it.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity