If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice