why am I working on Labor Day
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Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Confused owl: What?!
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.