I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Catering service
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger