My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
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If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad