My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Midwest trash talk
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.