My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
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Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I love snow
– People who never shovel
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: