“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
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The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]