Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.