I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.