My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
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In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.