[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
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“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude