I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
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There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.