Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
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Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn