imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
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I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.