If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
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Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Google Pay be like:
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!