I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
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#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Had to try this trend 😊
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.