I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
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My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow