My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
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it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.