Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
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[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
The government even made aliens boring
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us