Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Breaking news:
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME