Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
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“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Good advice.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.