Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
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i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!