[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
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Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Sign of the day..
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
$3 #books
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL