This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
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“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
We need more people like this.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH