The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
fired
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.