like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem