I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…