Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me