Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
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I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*