You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Sorry not sorry.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”